Stolen from gal8028

Apparently I'm a

Italy is the new champ... I was cheering for France, but that's life. I feel pity for Zidane tough... specially by the way he's ended his carreer.

Parents are in London at the moment, they've called a while back and sounded happy which is good... hopefully it'll last.

I've been talking quite a bit with this friend of mine, we'd been distant for a while, but everything seems better nowadays. Told me she's been worry about me... Good to know somebody cares.

I don't know, I guess I've been a little bit down lately... I've lost lots of weight.. weight I didn't need to loose to begin with. Hopefully it'll pass away. Hopefully.

So yeah, gave 'Meds' a second chance, still don't like it, but there are a couple of songs I'm falling in love with.

I really need to cut down on my smoking... is getting out of hand.

Well, that's pretty much it.

So I did pass both of my summer courses which is nice.

Time's still moving to fast for me, but I'm fine with it. I've being writing a lot, nothing post worthy, but it's nice to see I'm finally overcoming this horrible writers block. Yay...

Falling in love once again with Octavio Paz's essays... I must say that I don't agree a hundred percent with him, but he does makes me think outside my little box... amazing writer, indeed.

Well, I'm heading to this little coffee shop, I'm in desperate need of some good coffee.

I really should give Placebo's 'Meds' a second chance... second chances are good once in a while.

First and foremost forgive any mistakes in this post as I’m not a native English speaker.

Second, I hope you don’t mind me posting this on my personal journal, but I don’t think this reply belongs in __vam.

I guess the whole problem started when your comments were posted anonymously. I don’t know about the others, but when someone is not willing to show their faces when they’re expressing their points of view I consider them cowards. You’ve already answered to this allegations, so I apologise if I’ve offended you and for contributing in your feelings of being bashed.

In your reply you’ve stated that “I am not obligated to state a criticism, no matter how strongly the author argued that.” That is, in a way, true. People are entitle to give their opinions, comments, statements, and criticisms as they pleas. However, it’s expected that these personal points of view (both positive and negative, I might add) are at least a bit constructive so the author knows exactly what she/he is doing right and what’s she/he is doing wrong. Your comment was not one bit constructive, some people might actually consider it offensive, not because you were expressing your personal opinion on the story: “Some characters, like Jonne, are not themselves, because Jonne does not strike me as a seducer”, but because you’ve stated a comment based on the authors’ nationality: “Of course considering you are not European or actually 'Finnish', I suppose it is understandable”. You didn’t elaborate on this idea, therefore it could be taken in so many ways, mostly negative. When I read this particular comment the first thing that came to my mind was that you were being condescending towards the author, as if she would never be able to write an 'acurrate' Jonne according to what you know about him because you´re (I'm assuming) European.

It wasn’t until your second reply that you express a CONSTRUCTIVE OPINION, both positive and negative: “The story is however, well written (positve), but the OOC gets on my nerves (negative).” Perhaps if you had taken the time in your first comment to state this it wouldn’t have been such a big deal, as you said in your post at __vam “So see, one must always view and ANALYZE stories from both sides, not one.” As always, this is just my personal opinion.

Now, I don’t know if the third anonymous post was yours as well:

Hey, your story so much reminds me of those by the user Hergerbabe. She too writes of Vam and these two stories seem so closely connected. Do you know her or have you read her stories? If not, here is the website

This comment confuses me the most due to is ambiguity. In here you (if you actually wrote this) never stated which story or stories of Hergerbabe ‘Closed Door’ reminds you of, and why it reminded you of such story/stories: story line, characterisation, writing similarities, context, etc. If you’ve had elaborated a little bit more in your comment it might be more understandable, at least for me.


Well, this came out longer than I thought. I just want to say that I’m not trying to pick up a fight with you, but you did reply to my post so I felt that an explanation on my behave was needed. Feel free to reply or ignore this.

Take care,
-Beny.

Is 2:44am

Stupid final paper...

I need Red Bull

I need cigarettes

I want my bed...

Summer school... fucking masochist...

So, summer school is almost over; less than a week left. Then again, I still have to prepare for my final exams. Oh well, life could be worst.

The good news are that I'll still have one whole month for complete decadence to rest. Yay...

So, yes, that's about it.

Just one more thing...

I FUCKING HATE THE WORLD CUP! Seriously, what's the big deal? For me is just a fucking excuse for every single men, and some women, to turn into complete bloody idiots. Idiots.

Maybe I'm just a tiny bit bitter...

Why am I taking two fucking summer classes at uni? I'm so tired... I need to sleep for more than two hours... stupid essays, stupid readings...

yeah, that's about it... how exciting, huh?

Everything is moving and changing. Everyone is going to places, searching for their dreams and fighting for them. Everyone is getting old emotionally speaking.

Sometimes I wonder when did I start being so afraid to experience life. I tell myself over and over again that this is what I want: to be left along in my own little world just pretending. That's the worse thing you could ever do...

Pretend.


You know, I hate the word tomorrow... when you're young you can always leave everything for tomorrow. Well, I'm out of 'tomorrows' and that's scary as hell.

I want to erase that fucking day in which I decided to give up trying because "I've made the wrong decision." Deciding to give up was hard, I mean my future depended of that decision, but then giving up on other things became so easy. I guess I gave up on myself... don't know if that even make sense.


"The basic function of life is to live, not to exist" - Jack London

I don't want to be a waste. I don't want to be an existence.

VICTORY
'But anguish crept upon m e, even me,
Whenas I pondered in my little cell:
Ah me! how have I come into this evil road.
Into the power of Craving have I strayed!
Brief is the span of life yet left to me;
Old age, disease, hand imminent to crush.
Now ere this body perish and dissolve,
Swift let me be; no time have I for sloth.
And contemplating, as they really are,
The Aggregates of Life that come and go,
I rose and stood with mind emancipate!
For me the Buddha's words had come to pass.'- Mittakalí, a Brahmin Bhikkhunt.
Psalms of the Early Buddhists, I. xliii.

Righty...

God...


¿Eres fruta otoñal de sabor deleitos,
vaso fúnebre hecho para recoger lágrimas,
perfume que nos habla de lejanos oasis,
almohada acariciante o cestillo de flores?

Charles Baudelaire; "El amor enagñoso"

Well, my doctor and I had a lovely chat, he told me that the way I've been dealing with my emotions and whatevre is going on inside my pretty fucked up head is no working. Apparently I need to start expressing my feelings in a 'more productive way' like writing. Yeah, as if I'd never tried that one. Jesus...

... It's oh so quiet...

God... everything sucks at this moment. Fuck it.

Buddhists believe that a silver string joins our soul with our body; our essences with our existence...

So are you seriously telling me that I must blamed a bloody silver string?!?!?!?!

Fuck off.

Sorry, shitty mood.

Who the hell I'm apologizing too? Myself?

I need help... or stop drinking so much coffee...

So I passed five of my courses, still waiting for my last grade...

God, I'm having the worst writers block ever. I hate it. I mean, to be sitting in front of a bloody peace of paper dying to write something, anything, and being unable. Fucking sucks.

Whatever...

Nine Inch Nails obsession is still running deep. Well, if I'm gonna be obsessing with something, why not Trent, huh?

I've been avoiding a lot of things lately, manly anything concerning with myself. I've become an expert in hidden myself from myself... did that even made sense?

I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do with my life. Hell, I don't even know what the fuck I WANT from life. I envy my sister so much; she just knows what she wants and she's doing everything in her hands to achieved it... well, isn't she lucky?

Why do I keep on doing this to myself? I don't want to think, I don't want to feel, I don't want to try, I don't want to analyze anything... but I must and it scares me so much. Jesus, I'm not happy with whom I am and that's the worst situation in anyone’s life. So, I win at life, huh? Go me.

How did I let it come to this point? I never thought it had hurt me so much... I never tought it will become my cross... if only I had... ha, the wisdom of the crow...

So yeah, hi.

Randomness, quite a lovely friend of mine.

I just want to see how all these is going to end. Here comes the fear again...

Want to know what was the only thing I was able to come up with after four hours of holding my stupid pen on top of my stupid notebook?

BREATHE MY AIR, TASTE MY SHAME. lovely, isn't it

Well, my babbling ends now.

Feeling... lonely. Funny, I have always said that being lonely, immerse myself in solitude, was a good thing. I mean, we're born along and we're going to die along, right? However, I'm doubting if it really is such a good thing, you know?

I've always been a loner, not need to deny it. Still, I don't know if it was a conscious decision. Fuck, I HATE doubting myself...

I guess the 'loner act' is getting out of hand. I'm so fucking afraid of life so not ripping HIM thar's not funny. I mean, when you're a 22 year old that prefers to lock herself inside her room instead of 'mixing with the animals' so not ripping Henry Rollins... maybe there might be a little problem with so girl...

I don't know, I'm feeling kind of blue... I've been drinking a lot lately yeah, blame the bloody alcohol...

Fuck, it just so fucking... I don't know... just FUCKING FUCK ... whatever.

Had another fight with mom, she was being a bitch so I do the right thing... I bitched back... got the reaction a was expecting, can help to feel like shit.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

I hate this mood more than... any other... It makes me... feel? Quoting Mr. Valo: "Oh my God you're so lonely"... fucking smart bastard... Still, can't help loving admiring him...

Who fucking cares, really?

I don't know, I guess I need to start living, you know? That sounds so much easier than it really is... How long before my parents go to Europe? Can't hardly wait...

Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod

Funny, I'm not sure if a even believe in him... No, I do believe in him... but everything seems so much easier when you pretend his not real... I'm good at pretending. Is a fucking art, honestly...

Much love... Goodbye

Long time no see...

So yesterday I had my two last final exams AND I think I did okay regardless I didn't studied for neither. I'll get my final grades on monday, couldn't care less to be honest.

Yes, hell is officially over for the grand total of two weeks, I'll be taking a couple of summer courses.

I don't know why I do this to myself... I just loathe uni. I can't think of a better thing to do than to drop out, you know? But I won't, my parents would kill me... Yeah, hiding behind the parents again...

I guess I'll just have to enjoy these couple of weeks, huh? Yes, me and my dearest friend VODKA will be having quite a lovely time.


'Kay, I'm done.

My family is having lunch while I'm studying for my literature final exam. I hear them laughing, joking around, bounding, and I can't help but to feel as a fucking outsider.

Is funny how I cared so little about them. I mean, they are my family and I love them dearly, but I just don't care...I know I'm wrong and selfish, still I can't but wonder if they feel the same way towards me. I think they might and that's fine.

God, what the fuck is wrong with me? A friend of mine told me that my problem was that I'm way to complex, maybe his right. Most likely his not I AM NOT COMPLEX, JUST COMPLETLY FUCKED UP However, sometimes I wish I didn't have this moods; the ones that drag me inside myself making me see everything that I wish disappear. Fucking searching inside the search moods.

So today is "Día del niño", "Children Day."

Dad gave me a chocolate bar and a teddy bear. Yes, I know I'm twenty two, ok?

Today was a good day. Felt loved.

Happy Children's day.

Funny how lately I've been obsessed with NIN, "The Fragile" to be more specific.

I guess I've been in a weird place the past few months. I don't know, I just feel like not trying. I'm living like a zombie: without goals or dreams.

I'm not living, I'm just existing. God, I feel emo.

It's safe to say that I'm in a permanent state of numbness, you know? Quoting Trent: "Everyday is exactly the same."

I don't have good days nor bad days; I just have days. God, that sounded pathetic...but surprisingly honest.



And yet here I am, sitting in the same chair, chain smoking while life passes me by.The least thing I could do is wave, right?

Bah

Sometimes I just feel like fading away...

I've been pretending for so long that I'm afraid I don't know how to be my real self. All I ever wanted was to be me, God, that sounded so emo depressed.

Don't get me wrong, I hate fake people, but sometimes I wish I wasn't so... me.

I just hide inside my head. The problem is that I've being avoiding reality for so long that the life I created inside my head seems, well, the real thing.

Well, isn't that just fucked up? then again, have I ever tried to do something about it? Ah... no?

The worst part of everything is that I realized that my mother was right. Yes, why don't you put more fucking salt in my wounds... God I hate when that happens. I mean, right now I'm literally hearing my mom's voice: why can you be normal? Why must you always be so different from the rest? Now let's forget the fact that I'm a 22 year old that stills feels the urge need of having her mom's approval, shall we?.



Still, I feel that I'm avoiding myself. No, I won't even consider to elaborate this point.

I just wish that one day everything will be all right.

Adieu

( Trent and his great below )
( The MAN )

So, remember my presentation on USA invasion on Afghanistan?

It sucked, big time.

Apparently my partner decided that Iraq was just another name for Afghanistan...

Did I mentioned that the bloody presentation was worth 30% of my FINAL grade?

Stupid fucker girl, indeed.


Anyway, I'm on a roll, third consecutive day without sleeping, yay!


Bah